Hey Brossy Woman!
Over the past year or so I have committed to reading more books that enriched my life and spirit. I never had a problem with reading books, but I hadn’t ever put much thought and consideration to which books I chose to read. Typically I was drawn more towards novels, loving to get wrapped up in stories that reminded me of a television series. However, I have discovered a new love for non-fiction whether it be “self help” books, memoirs, or just those that gave me more insight into areas in which I lack knowledge. Throughout this time I’ve shared these books with my family and friends, but now I am happy to begin to share my monthly reads here as well. I typical let my spirit guide me on my selections, but I would love for recommendations! So onward with my first review.. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
Lately I’ve been challenging my thoughts about what it means to be a woman. That meaning not only the things that I have been taught by the media, women in the spotlight, but also the women in my family and friends. My mom and I had a heart to heart conversation last year about her expectations of women (in this case, very specifically me) and body hair. The conversation was more or less, “Joi if you’re going to have your legs out, you need to shave.” And from me, “I honestly don’t understand why as a woman I’m expected to shave my legs when 1. Leg hair is natural & 2. It also doesn’t bother me.” That may seem like something small, but it indirectly led me to this book about women’s sexuality, realizing we are all normal, and embracing our truth in a world that often subscribes to one narrative about a woman’s sexual behaviors.
Author Dr. Emily Nagoski earned her Ph.D. from Indiana University in health behaviors with a concentration in human sexuality. This is an important thing to consider before reading this book. Nagoski incorporates many stories of women in her practice and her life and their sexual journeys but also includes research based evidence for each chapter and section. This is something that I can appreciate because there is a lot, maybe too much, opinion or individual experience based information out there getting passed off as fact. My only struggle with this is that at times it read more like a dissertation or a thesis instead of a book designed to reach the general laywoman. I’m not going to lie, I got really tired of this in the beginning because the start of the book is very anatomy and research heavy and thought I wasn’t going to finish the book. BUT, her point was to explain how there is so much variation in the human anatomy and our sexual organs that are all normal. This theme was carried out throughout the book because many women seek a sense of “normalcy”and may have unnecessary concerns when their bodies or experience vary from what is typically talked about.
There are many gems in this book, too many to talk about here, so I’ll highlight my favorites.
- Sexual desire depends on sexual accelerators and brakes. We constantly take in information about sexually relevant information this information is processed as “yes, turn on” (accelerator) or “no, turn off” (brake) & having an enjoyable sex life is not just about learning your accelerators but understanding those brakes as well.
- Nonconcordance is a thing! Sometimes our genitals respond to sexually relevant stimuli when we don’t want them to and sometimes our genital don’t respond when we expect them to. All is normal.
- Some of us have spontaneous desire, typically seen as someone who wants sex “out of the blue”, and some of us have responsive desire, typically getting “in the mood” after things start to happen. And again IT’S ALL NORMAL.
In short, this book is important for all women, even those who believe they have any difficulties or negative thoughts about their own sex life. In a very educated and scientific way Dr. Nagoski uplifts women with facts and anecdotes that will leave you with a better understanding and love for self. I recommend this book to any woman who wants to gain insight into women’s sexuality.
sidenote: I usually opt for the Kindle version of books whenever I can (my attempt to save the world), but there are worksheets in this book that might make it worth getting a physical copy here!
